I've been thinking, well I think a lot... sometimes way too much.
"These days, the stars seem out of reach"
Next month, I'll be starting my 11th year in New York and that's about how long I have had my Flickr account. I couldn't help it but I scrolled through 147 pages of photos. Reliving so many things, weird and exciting and mundane stuff, from 2014 back to 2004.
I miss grad school. Those 2 years were so much fun. Everyday I learned something new about myself and it changed me in so many ways. I feel that cause of grad school and obviously all the friends (they're pretty much my family now) brought the real me out of this shell. I mean I'm still shy, I still get these sudden feelings of sadness and anger and constantly regretting my choices but the 2003 me was such a different person. A person I couldn't imagine how/what he would be now if he had stayed in LA. I am glad I moved to NY.
I miss all the wild Thursday Night Outs, the crazy karaoke sessions, the get togethers...
Though beginning my 11th year here, most of those friends had already moved away, started families and are planning to start something new in another country. I hate feeling nostalgic. I want to keep holding onto the old days.
Time doesn't stop. Time doesn't care. 11 years ago, I moved to New York City. I had no idea how my first year at grad school was going to be. I didn't plan my life after grad school. I didn't plan my life when I turned 29. Turning 30 was a big deal. Now I wish I can be 30 again. Turning 35 was another big deal because I didn't plan that either. At 2003, I didn't plan this far ahead. I've been going one year at a time. Should I have my shit together by now? 36....I'm scare to turn 40 and I barely know what I'm doing and while I have a "job," I don't have a "career." What the fuck am I doing?
But Leonardo Da Vinci didn't become famous till 46, so I got some time.
Do what you love, they say. But what do I love? It's been hard to motivate myself. I started a food blog with a friend in 2009 and just last week I told him that I wanted to stop. I just can't "review" places or dishes anymore. I can only write YUM in so many different ways. It's getting tiring. Also, I suck as a food writer. I eat my food too fast!
So what about photography? Yes, photography. Here's where the self doubt comes in. I don't know if I'm good enough. I keep staring at other people's work and their images are 100x better than mine. Why am I doing this? Thank goodness I have a regular 9-6 job or else I wouldn't be able to make it as a freelance photographer. And it's so hard to find my own voice because is it my voice or did I just copy someone's style? And this frustrates me. I should give up.
I need to be happy with my choices. I need to be happy with my photos.
All I can do is be myself and create the path that I want to walk on.
I know one thing for sure though, which is rare, that I love love love photographing behind-the-scenes stuff. I like being in restaurant kitchens and shoot for hours. No need to worry about food styling. Things that happen in the kitchen are natural and raw.
But you know, I find so much energy and inspiration when I'm negative. I get motivated to do things, start new projects. I'm asking one of my friends to help me design a tattoo that incorporates the idea of "me." I've been quoting from an anime, Gurren Lagann. It has so much awesome quotes.
"Never afraid of what the future holds, never regretful of the present."
"We evolve beyond the person that we were a minute before. Little by little we advance with each turn."
"Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!"
"Don't be held back by someone else's bullshit in fake memories.The one path you chose for yourself, is the truth of your universe."
I need to kick my own butt. I get lazy when I'm feeling comfortable. I give myself excuses and then I don't do anything. I need to take more photos. The only way to improve is keep at it every freaking day.
I know, things could be way worse. Stop whining. Okay, I'm over it. Moving on...
Thanks for letting me vent.
Maybe I should stop listening to moody music.